A discussion and wish in my head…

I am seldom in the mood to write about my feelings, because when you start writing, physically typing the way you feel – those feelings become concrete – those feelings truly become your reality. And sometimes those feelings aren’t all joyous! Here I am as grateful as I can be but still, I have this little darkness in me- growing with worry- of my little boy (now not that little anymore- Big boy – 5 years old). The worry in me – is the older my boy gets, the less I can protect him from the real world, the reality of him being different – and that he will be different his whole life. How do you prepare a typical child for the harsh world out there? How do you prepare an atypical child for the harsh world out there? There is no way you can protect your child from everything, you can try providing him with tools but HOW? How do I tell my child – who thinks he is the fastest runner – he isn’t? When do you start bursting his confidence bubble? Do you? Don’t you? I don’t have the answer.

Emotions come flooding in seeing the primary schools have athletics and all the kiddies participate? Is that when my child’s confidence bubble will explode? Johnathan probably won’t be able to attend a “normal” primary school.  My son informs me confidently that when he turns 6, he will be going to Grade 1? And in my mind, I’m thinking- no you probably won’t, and you probably stay in Grade R another year….  I don’t have the answers just yet of how I introduce my atypical child to the typical world although we have spoken to Johnathan about his brain injury and his right side not being as strong. Johnathan’s willingness to be normal –his normal- is phenomenal, he looks at a button shirt and tells me- one day when I’m older- I am going to be able to button my own shirt? Will he…??? Not any time soon…! Does Johnathan know he has a speech delay? A speed impediment – which will probably be around for a long time? – So many questions come to my mind flooded with added emotions I cannot physically type down!  I’m not trying to downplay how amazing Johnathan is and how extraordinary he is in certain things… He will make it in this world, and he will excel in anything he puts his mind to however he will most probably take a different route to a typical child going to a “normal” school, for me – in my mind – I must not only consider whether he will be in a normal school – if he could but would it be the best for him? He is “normal” to the audience he graces his presence to – but deep inside he has a mommy who knows in her heart he isn’t the normal “normal”.. And won’t be – ever – I don’t want him to be, I just want the world to be kind to him – because he won’t be the fastest runner, he wont be able to tie his shoes (yet), he wont be able to zip up his jacket, he will fall more than other children, and my wish for him is to meet amazing friends who understand and remain kind even when his flaws appear, a guide for when he needs a helping hand and a loving hug when all he wants to do is just hug! (It’s a thing- he hugs dearly and so passionately!!!).

Johnathan -One-of-a-kind-J-Superboy- the walking miracle! The world awaits your extraordinarily brave and friendly enthusiasm! I will protect you the best I can, help you ease into this typical world atypically!!!